Curious questions
Ask because you want to know, not to trap them.
What it is
Curious questions are questions you ask because you really want to know the answer: how someone came to their view, what matters to them about it, and how sure they are. They're the opposite of “gotcha” questions.
Why it works
The Street Epistemology project describes its method as “a conversational approach that helps people critically reflect on the quality of their reasoning through thoughtful, civil conversations.” It relies on open questions, confidence scales, and building rapport instead of debate. Street Epistemology aims to help people look at how they know what they believe. Here, borrow its questions for a gentler goal: understanding the person in front of you. If they end up reflecting too, that's their choice.
How to do it
- Ask how they came to their view: “What first got you interested in that?”
- Ask what matters most to them about it.
- Ask how sure they are, from one to ten, and what makes it that number.
- Listen to the answers without correcting them.
- Share how you came to your own view, if they ask.
See it in action
The setup: You don't support Trump. A close friend from work does, and you've never really talked about why. (An illustration, not real people.)
How it usually goes
You: “So how can you support him after everything?”
A “question” that's really an accusation. There's no good answer to it.
Them: “Because I'm not brainwashed like everyone else.”
He answers the attack, not the question.
You: “Right, because you're the only one who sees the truth.”
Sarcasm ends any chance of learning something.
How it could go
You: “Can I ask you something? I'm genuinely curious. What first got you interested in him?”
A real question, and you asked permission first.
Them: “Honestly? He talked about my industry when nobody else would.”
Now you know something real about him.
You: “That makes sense. How sure are you that he's the right person for it, one to ten?”
A confidence scale invites him to reflect, without pressure.
Them: “Maybe a seven. Some of what he says drives me nuts, but on the stuff I care about, he's there.”
He's sharing nuance you'd never hear in an argument.
You: “Thanks for telling me. I see some of it differently, but I get why that matters to you.”
You don't have to agree to show you understood.
Try it
This week, ask one person “What first got you interested in that?” about any opinion they hold. Then just listen.
These are conversation ideas, not therapy or professional advice. If a relationship involves threats, abuse, or fear for your safety, start here instead.